Dear Roger Ebert: A DMP Watchmen Review UPDATED WITH RESPONSE FROM RE
Warning to DMP-ians: moderate spoilers are contained in this post. Continue past the picture for the review.
Re: Your 4-Star Watchmen Review
Dear Roger,
You are a legendary film critic. I am an asshole on the internet with a blog. However, as a huge fan of your work, I have to say that your review of the Watchmen is not a review of the movie. Now before you go dismissing this as a letter from a "fanboy" attacking you about the lack of a giant squid being the greatest tragedy in the history of movies or some other nonsense, I must tell you that I believe we went into this movie on a level playing field. I had heard a lot of the buzz surrounding the movie, but had never read (or whatever the operative word to experience a graphic novel) Watchmen nor knew anything about the story. I went into the movie with middle-to low expectations after enjoying Zack Snider's visuals in 300 but finding much lacking in the story department. With a lot of story to be serving up in Watchmen, I feared Snider would fall short.
And he did. Very short. It was a trainwreck. It was one of the only movies in my young life in which I was so taken in by the story that I was genuinely disappointed when one of the action setpieces came up to take away precious narrative time. When Nite Owl and the girl in leather decide to go save Rorschach, I rolled my eyes knowing the inevitable fight with Anonymous Stuntman One through ??? would be coming. And of course it did. But that action has all been done before.
In your review, as well as in most positive reviews I've read, you throw heaps of praise on the story and dive into it in a way that few others can to illuminate your readers. But, in my estimation, you did not review the movie. You reviewed the plot. And on that I agree with you; I will be rushing out to the store to buy the graphic novel in order to dig deeper into the many complex ideas it houses.
But the movie? It is a schizophrenic showing from a director who should be barred for life from working with dialogue, pacing, balancing humor with action and violence, and most importantly sex. Actually scratch that, most importantly dialogue. I was laughing along with many strangers in the theatre at the painful performance put on by Malin Akerman, Patrick Wilson and the usually fantastic Carla Gugino. Gugino showed she could do what a graphic novel turned movie needed from her short but very memorable role in 2005's Sin City. But, the performance she gives in this movie is truly disappointing, with stilted delivery and a mystifying accent. The schizophrenia I mentioned comes from the films dazzling highs followed by the truly awful lows. The incredible opening sequence set to "The Times They Are A-Changin'" sets the entire backdrop to the movie in a visually compelling and fantastic fashion. The sublime scene introducing Jeffrey Dean Morgan's Comedian character where in between the action beats we learn more about the character than his flashbacks even need to tell us. This one-two punch drew me in and left me wanting more. The appearance of Malin Akerman dropped me back out again. The backstory of Dr. Manhattan left my jaw on the floor. It snapped back up when he began his conversations with Laurie Jupiter/Silk Spectre II again. Come to think of it, with the exception of voiceover work and the Nixon scenes, most dialogue in the movie left me squirming. Malin Akerman's performance makes this movie difficult to bear. She didn't even look convincing when she was alone, let alone interacting with other characters. When she is looking around in the spaceship-thing for the first time...I cringe to even think about how someone could look unconvincing just looking around, but she managed to pull it off. Let's not even talk about the sex scenes.
Anyway, I guess the point of all this Mr. Ebert is that I really wished you had reviewed the whole movie, not just the fascinating story. The story was what held this movie together, and just barely at that. Without it, it would have fallen apart and been an absolute joke. Fortunately, with the way movie re-imaginings are being churned out these days, I look forward to the remake in ten years or so.
Love,
Boofasten
definitemalepresence.blogspot.com
P.S. And the sex scenes?!? GOOD GOD! I wanted to throw something at the screen, preferably "visionary" director Zack Snider. I hope everyone was laughing as much as they were in my screening Mr. Ebert.
-------------------------------------------
Special DMP bonus features:
I didn't even mention the music in the movie, but I assume it's because I blocked it out completely. The best description came from a slate.com review, where it was described as "in every moment if you were thinking of what song you would play in a scene (if you) were 15 years old and could only think of the most obvious classic rock choices". Ride of the Valkyries for the Vietnam scene is described as "intellectually dishonest" which is spot on. And Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah being used as a sex scene was..................fucking hilarious. Everyone was laughing because of how awful it was, not because it was supposed to be a huge meta-commentary on the absurdity and pathos of herodom.
A few awesome things in the movie that I totally geeked out to:
Me and a few other people, while waiting for the movie to start, we were watching someone play a game on their iPhone and when he lost we all overreacted without any pre-planning or co-ordination.
Two people burged out right in front of us as the movie started and the whole movie smelled like cheeseburgers.
The pre-pre-show dumb shit that was on the screen was just five panels on repeat, two of them about Will Smith. Then the pre-show had an ad for Seven Pounds. COINCIDENCE OR WILL SMITH CONSPIRACY? You decide.
*thanks to Doug for reminding me* Some guy fired up a laser pointer at the very beginning when the production companies were being shown. You could hear and feel the groan from the audience hoping that this asshole wouldn't fuck it up for everyone. A guy a few rows in front of us, who was clearly in the Army (due to his buzzcut, his camo-green shirt that said ARMY on it, his general demeanor and his loud proclamation before the show that "I WAS IN THE ARMY. DON'T WORRY, I'LL MAKE SURE YOU'RE QUIET.) put his head on a swivel to try and triangulate the signal or some dumb bullshit that baby killers do (j/k freedom isn't free, ooh-rah!). The laser pointer guy didn't whip it out again until the very end of the movie, after the good stuff was all over and there were these big hilariously bad and awkward "emotional" scenes. And when he did, I laughed harder at that than I did at anything else the entire movie. So wherever you are, thanks Mr. Laser Pointer at the Best Possible Time Guy. You are a Real American Hero.
-------------------------------------------
SUPER BONUS ROGER EBERT E-MAIL REPLY
Dear Boofasten,
Well, there's something to be said for your review. I think my reviews was praising the film for what I felt to be quite effective, although it may not have struck you that way.
Dialog is not usually a strong point in superhero movies. Don't you sort of expect them to talk in exposition and plot terms?
R
Re: Your 4-Star Watchmen Review
Dear Roger,
You are a legendary film critic. I am an asshole on the internet with a blog. However, as a huge fan of your work, I have to say that your review of the Watchmen is not a review of the movie. Now before you go dismissing this as a letter from a "fanboy" attacking you about the lack of a giant squid being the greatest tragedy in the history of movies or some other nonsense, I must tell you that I believe we went into this movie on a level playing field. I had heard a lot of the buzz surrounding the movie, but had never read (or whatever the operative word to experience a graphic novel) Watchmen nor knew anything about the story. I went into the movie with middle-to low expectations after enjoying Zack Snider's visuals in 300 but finding much lacking in the story department. With a lot of story to be serving up in Watchmen, I feared Snider would fall short.
And he did. Very short. It was a trainwreck. It was one of the only movies in my young life in which I was so taken in by the story that I was genuinely disappointed when one of the action setpieces came up to take away precious narrative time. When Nite Owl and the girl in leather decide to go save Rorschach, I rolled my eyes knowing the inevitable fight with Anonymous Stuntman One through ??? would be coming. And of course it did. But that action has all been done before.
In your review, as well as in most positive reviews I've read, you throw heaps of praise on the story and dive into it in a way that few others can to illuminate your readers. But, in my estimation, you did not review the movie. You reviewed the plot. And on that I agree with you; I will be rushing out to the store to buy the graphic novel in order to dig deeper into the many complex ideas it houses.
But the movie? It is a schizophrenic showing from a director who should be barred for life from working with dialogue, pacing, balancing humor with action and violence, and most importantly sex. Actually scratch that, most importantly dialogue. I was laughing along with many strangers in the theatre at the painful performance put on by Malin Akerman, Patrick Wilson and the usually fantastic Carla Gugino. Gugino showed she could do what a graphic novel turned movie needed from her short but very memorable role in 2005's Sin City. But, the performance she gives in this movie is truly disappointing, with stilted delivery and a mystifying accent. The schizophrenia I mentioned comes from the films dazzling highs followed by the truly awful lows. The incredible opening sequence set to "The Times They Are A-Changin'" sets the entire backdrop to the movie in a visually compelling and fantastic fashion. The sublime scene introducing Jeffrey Dean Morgan's Comedian character where in between the action beats we learn more about the character than his flashbacks even need to tell us. This one-two punch drew me in and left me wanting more. The appearance of Malin Akerman dropped me back out again. The backstory of Dr. Manhattan left my jaw on the floor. It snapped back up when he began his conversations with Laurie Jupiter/Silk Spectre II again. Come to think of it, with the exception of voiceover work and the Nixon scenes, most dialogue in the movie left me squirming. Malin Akerman's performance makes this movie difficult to bear. She didn't even look convincing when she was alone, let alone interacting with other characters. When she is looking around in the spaceship-thing for the first time...I cringe to even think about how someone could look unconvincing just looking around, but she managed to pull it off. Let's not even talk about the sex scenes.
Anyway, I guess the point of all this Mr. Ebert is that I really wished you had reviewed the whole movie, not just the fascinating story. The story was what held this movie together, and just barely at that. Without it, it would have fallen apart and been an absolute joke. Fortunately, with the way movie re-imaginings are being churned out these days, I look forward to the remake in ten years or so.
Love,
Boofasten
definitemalepresence.blogspot.com
P.S. And the sex scenes?!? GOOD GOD! I wanted to throw something at the screen, preferably "visionary" director Zack Snider. I hope everyone was laughing as much as they were in my screening Mr. Ebert.
-------------------------------------------
Special DMP bonus features:
I didn't even mention the music in the movie, but I assume it's because I blocked it out completely. The best description came from a slate.com review, where it was described as "in every moment if you were thinking of what song you would play in a scene (if you) were 15 years old and could only think of the most obvious classic rock choices". Ride of the Valkyries for the Vietnam scene is described as "intellectually dishonest" which is spot on. And Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah being used as a sex scene was..................fucking hilarious. Everyone was laughing because of how awful it was, not because it was supposed to be a huge meta-commentary on the absurdity and pathos of herodom.
A few awesome things in the movie that I totally geeked out to:
- A very faint Muzak version of "Everybody Wants To Rule The World" in the background of an Ozymandias scene
- One of the locations in the movie is called the Gunga Diner
- Getting all of the political stuff and feeling a supreme sense of smugness to the people around me
Me and a few other people, while waiting for the movie to start, we were watching someone play a game on their iPhone and when he lost we all overreacted without any pre-planning or co-ordination.
Two people burged out right in front of us as the movie started and the whole movie smelled like cheeseburgers.
The pre-pre-show dumb shit that was on the screen was just five panels on repeat, two of them about Will Smith. Then the pre-show had an ad for Seven Pounds. COINCIDENCE OR WILL SMITH CONSPIRACY? You decide.
*thanks to Doug for reminding me* Some guy fired up a laser pointer at the very beginning when the production companies were being shown. You could hear and feel the groan from the audience hoping that this asshole wouldn't fuck it up for everyone. A guy a few rows in front of us, who was clearly in the Army (due to his buzzcut, his camo-green shirt that said ARMY on it, his general demeanor and his loud proclamation before the show that "I WAS IN THE ARMY. DON'T WORRY, I'LL MAKE SURE YOU'RE QUIET.) put his head on a swivel to try and triangulate the signal or some dumb bullshit that baby killers do (j/k freedom isn't free, ooh-rah!). The laser pointer guy didn't whip it out again until the very end of the movie, after the good stuff was all over and there were these big hilariously bad and awkward "emotional" scenes. And when he did, I laughed harder at that than I did at anything else the entire movie. So wherever you are, thanks Mr. Laser Pointer at the Best Possible Time Guy. You are a Real American Hero.
-------------------------------------------
SUPER BONUS ROGER EBERT E-MAIL REPLY
Dear Boofasten,
Well, there's something to be said for your review. I think my reviews was praising the film for what I felt to be quite effective, although it may not have struck you that way.
Dialog is not usually a strong point in superhero movies. Don't you sort of expect them to talk in exposition and plot terms?
R
Labels: Carla Gugino is really hot, freedom isn't free, jesus christ if aranofsky did this in 2005 it would have been incredible, movie review, roger ebert, Sex, shit, VISIONARY DIRECTOR ZACK SNIDER, watchmen
posted by Boofasten at
2:47 PM
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